This is a much different post than I am used to posting on here. But it was a cool learning experience about self awareness, shame, and taking responsibility... even in the little day to day hurts/angers that I feel... so I thought I would share.
My
hubby and I were on a date to Kneaders. We were standing in line and it
was taking an incredibly long time for the line to move. There were
three women in front of us on what appeared to be a girls night out. We
were in line for about 20 mins when I over heard them trying to remember
a restaurants name. I had just driven by where she mentioned and I realized that I knew the name they couldn't remember. I decided to
help them out and tell them the name. So I did. One of the women
looked at me as if I had an extra eyeball on my forehead or something.
She rolled her eyes and said "no, that isn't the name" and turned back
around and the others barely even acknowledged me. It felt like a scene straight out of "Mean Girls". I was humiliated
and for some reason it was worse b/c it was in front of my hubby. I
didn't say anything for the 20 mins more that we remained in line and I
preteneded (probably not very well) that it didn't bother me.
When we were picking out where we would sit Michael motioned to sit at a
booth close to these bitchy women. I refused and I picked a much more
inconvenient place to sit. After a few minutes I couldn't hold it in any
longer, I HAD to talk about it. That is what I do! I have to get things
out before they fester and explode. So I said " did you SEE how RUDE
those women were. Typical Utah bee-a-ches!" (It isn't really cussing if
you say it like that...tee hee!)
I said "I was just trying
to start up a conversation, but I forgot that I am not in the South and
people here are rude and don't like strangers talking to them." He said
"Well.. " and that is all he had to say before he got the look of death
that said (or rather screamed) "Are you KIDDING? Are you really going to
say it is MY fault that these women were so rude to me?" He then
quickly backpedaled and said "you are right, they could have been more
friendly." ..............Too late I already feel ashamed,embarrassed and
hurt.
I couldn't wait to get home and call my friends to
talk about these horrible women.
When I tried to sleep I
couldn't. I just kept seeing this woman rolling her eyes at me and
feeling myself get hot and embarrassed all over again. Am I PMSing..
what is wrong with me for taking this so personal? Get Over it Already! I
thought that if I could imagine getting back at her it would help me get over it...
so ...
I imagined myself getting revenge... embarrassing her in public. That didn't make me feel better.
I imagined myself pulling her hair... Ok, that REALLY didn't make me feel better. ...What am I 2?...
I imagined myself telling her that she really hurt my feelings and that
she really needs to reconsider being so rude to others. That didn't
work either.
Finally I said a prayer... a little while after
the prayer I imagined that I went up their table, (the one I avoided
sitting next to and avoided as we were walking out). I imagined myself
saying "I am so sorry that I butted into your conversation. I feel that I
caused you to feel uncomfortable. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I just
wanted to help out and start up a conversation. I apologize. Y'all have a great girls night out!" ahhh that
is what it was. Taking responsibility to my part and trying to see it
through her eyes.
It feels good to let go of the ridiculous resentment that was taking up way too much space in my heart, even if it was a little one.
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